i hope i have a job by monday

on work anxiety

I wrote this after I couldn’t face going to my 2nd day of work at a new job.

I have always been a hard worker; maybe it’s my parents’ influence or something deeply woven into my ancestors’ genes across the millennia. Sometimes, it feels like I work too hard, which, case in point, leads to my downfall, i.e. burnout.

clock in/ clock out collage by me <3

This happened frequently in my old job. My boss had known me since I was about 16 years old, so he understood if I needed to take a sudden, random day off.

I was scared about this happening at a new job; I wanted to avoid the whole, ‘I have autism and may get anxious or burnt out or not process what you just said about three times. Surprisingly, it doesn’t make you seem that desirable employability-wise…

Yet, I held down a full-time job, I learnt how to cope, how to listen actively. My manager knew how to explain things to me so I fully understood. In the end, I was very much a cog in the wheel, someone people relied on, someone who felt comfortable and confident (most of the time), but if you’re a good worker, and people think you can cope, they will pile more and more onto you. You accept it with a tedious smile, even though it keeps your brain whirring at night.

People have their preconceptions of what autism looks like, and once you’re told them, they do look at you differently. So, to get hired, I don’t mention it, but then end up suffering because I didn’t tell them.

I always do a good job. (I like to think so! I like being methodical and organised. However, it feels like I have somewhat lost that element of myself along the way. Over 8 months of unemployment, my skills had shrivelled up like a dried prune.

I had my first day of work back at the beginning of January. The air was fresh and bitterly cold, and I was relieved to have finally landed a job.

I had my first day, and it was a standard, normal first day, yet because I didn’t do everything perfectly, I convinced myself that night that I wasn’t capable of the job, that I didn’t like it anyway, and it wasn’t for me. I had already run through every possible scenario of what I thought would happen in the future.

The thoughts whirring around in my head were… The truth is I can’t cope with working full time; I’ll just dissolve away into a shadowy version of the bubbly girl they thought they hired. After a while, they’ll start to realise I’m strange and not really what they expected.

My anxiety kept egging that belief that ‘I couldn’t cope’, so when I woke up to what I thought would be my second day of work, I decided I couldn’t face it.

It looks selfish and silly from an outside perspective, of course, a new job is hard; it’s a new environment, and you’re having to absorb a lot of new information being thrown at you while being anxious about your job performance.

It did look terrible that I didn’t turn up for my second day of work, but there was a big part of me that felt detached from the whole situation. Anxiety has always been a massive part of my life, and in a way, I think it can make me self-sabotage. I’ve cancelled dates, not gone to work, or cancelled on friends. Simply because my brain has told me I’m not good enough, that there’s something inherently wrong with me at my core.

It feels like anxiety sits in the driver’s seat while I take the backseat.

When I was doing my first proper Saturday job, I used to feel so intensely anxious before going, I thought I was going to throw up. I’d run through every possibly horrible or awkward scenario that could come to fruition, and again, I didn’t feel capable enough, and any mistake I made, I’d feel instantly horrible about, and it made me want to burst into tears.

But none of this was true, it was just what my brain was telling me was true.

Now I’m about four months and a bit into this job, it’s been hard to get back into a routine. I was so intensely tired the first few weeks that I nearly fell asleep on the bus and at a birthday meal. It also seemed every social occasion you could ever think of was happening around that period, birthdays, leaving dos, etc… I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. But such is life, I guess.

Work has made me a happier person; I enjoy my new routine. I feel valued and not overworked. It’s very easy to let your brain take over and convince you that you’re not good enough, but it’s not true; you are not your thoughts. Not every workplace is going to be chaotic and make you feel undervalued and overworked.

If a job is seriously making you feel horrible about yourself, it may just be a shit job, and you need a new one. (which is a lot easier said than done!) You spend a lot of your life at work, so you want it to be somewhat bearable. A work environment should not have such a negative toll on your mental health; it’s not worth it.

I think there truthfully comes a time when what you need… is a little bit of a kick up the ass. Wallowing in a pool of anxious self-pity doesn’t do you any good. You can’t preempt every bad thing that may or may not happen. You have to just take everything as it comes. So here’s your sign to stick at that new job that’s making you anxious because, realistically, it’s just a job after all.

lots of love

fawn girl xx